also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're a waste of cheezeits
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
