i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Boobs speak an international language.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
