last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
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I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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