I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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