you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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