Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
