Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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