I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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