the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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