I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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