tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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