I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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