I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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