so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
