he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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