i'm signing you up for texting rehab
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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