I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
