Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
