I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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