just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
