This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
