ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
