i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
