Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
