I think I won the penis lottery.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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