Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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