I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i've created a new STD.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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