Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is the high leading the old right now
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
