Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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