well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
