Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
