my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
