he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
