Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
