I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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