I'm so fucking centered right now
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
