Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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