My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
someone threw a dead crab at me
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
