My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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