its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
why is half of my head shaved?
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