I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
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she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
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I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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