I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
