last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
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sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
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All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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