Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
