Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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