dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
