i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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