everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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