also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
