My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
