I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
