I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
